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September 14 My Worry Machine And Other AnimalsTHE FAMOUS NATURALIST, GERALD DURRELL, SET UP THE DURRELL WILDLIFE CONSERVATION TRUST IN 1759, WITH THE EXPRESS AIM OF MAKING SURE THAT ALL ANIMALS, FROM CARIBOUS TO ECHIDNAS AND TAKING IN EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN, COULD LIVE IN AN ENVIRONMENT AS CLOSE TO THEIR NATURAL ONE AS POSSIBLE.
GORILLAS ARE, NATURALLY, PERMANENTLY SHOCKED AND WORRIED. THE WORRY MACHINE HAS BEEN A VOLUNTEER FOR THE TRUST FOR 150 YEARS NOW - SPENDING MANY AN HOUR IN THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE, MAKING THE LIVES OF THESE LARGE CREATURES THAT LITTLE BIT LESS COMFORTABLE.
ALL DONATIONS TO THE TRUST SHOULD BE SENT TO MARK EVANS C/O:
DO DO DO THE FUNKY GIBBON!
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August 29 The Worry Machine and Sports DayTHE WORRY MACHINE HAS GONE BACK TO MORE TIME TRAVELLING. HE HAS TRAVELLED BACK TO THE EARLY DAYS OF CRABSCARFE FC. THE REST IS PRETTY SELF EXPLANATORY - THESE WERE MUCH SIMPLER TIMES AND THE LITTLE TYKE PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS WRONG.
LOOK OUT FOR THE WORRY MACHINE'S VISIT TO THE CRABSCARFE AND SHITHOUSE COLLIERY BAND, COMING SOON.
August 28 The Worry Machine and GlobetrottersTHAT ALAN WHICKER! HONESTLY - HE GETS EVERYWHERE, DOESN'T HE? YOU CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT RUNNING INTO HIM AND HIS TINY TINY WIFE. ONLY RECENTLY I WAS EATING A GIANT KEBAB WITH SOME LIKE MINDED PEOPLE AND I THOUGHT I SAW HIM. I WASN'T ALONE EITHER.
I WAS TOLD THAT HE SURVIVED THE TITANIC. HE WOULD WOULDN'T HE? I BET THERE'S NOT A CHANCE HE CAN REMEMBER WHERE HE WAS WHEN KENNEDY WAS SHOT. BUT YOU CAN BET YOUR BOOTS IT WASN'T THAT BOOK DEPOSITORY, THAT'S FOR SURE.
HERE IS IT AT A WEDDING RECENTLY. HE SEEMS TO PLAGUE THE WOMAN IN THE FOREGROUND OF THIS PICTURE, WHICH IS A LITTLE UNFAIR BECAUSE SHE'S VERY VERY LOVELY AND KIND HEARTED. HE SHOULD GO AND DO HIS SELF PROMOTION ELSEWHERE. BUT THE WORRY MACHINE IS WORRIED THAT HE WON'T.
August 27 The Worry Machine and CiderTHE WORRY MACHINE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO GOT VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT LOVELY, PINK AND REFRESHING CIDER KNOWN AS MAGNERS WHILST ON A RECENT VISIT TO JERSEY.
THE WORRY MACHINE LIKES TO RAIN ON PARADES SO HE DID SOME RESEARCH AND FOUND THAT MAGNERS IS, IN FACT, MERELY THE EUROPEAN BRAND NAME FOR AN ALTOGETHER MORE PROSAIC APPLE BASED ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE.
HE'S SUCH A LITTLE CUNT. E-MAIL HIM AND TELL HIM SO. THE ADDRESS HAS CHANGED
HIC HIC HIC HOORAY August 26 The Worry Machine and GoreyNOTHING
TO DO WITH THOSE GASHLEYCRUMB TINIES. TODAY'S WORRY MACHINE IS
ALL ABOUT LOVE. YES. I LOVE YOU, MARK. WATCH THE
BIRDIE!! July 15 The Worry Machine and The TV Licence FeeTHE WORRY MACHINE IS ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR GROSS ACTS OF INJUSTICE. THESE TWO WOMEN ARE ONE. THEY ARE PAID LARGELY THROUGH THE MONEY OF TV LICENCE PAYERS. FOR THAT, THEY JOKE ABOUT HOW FUNNY FAT PEOPLE ARE, HOW THEY ARE SOCIALLY INEPT OXBRIDGE PRICKS AND HOW "FUNNY" JANE ASHER IS.
IN ADDITION TO THIS, THEY PAY HUGE SUMS OF MONEY TO THE BBC'S MAKE UP DEPARTMENT SO THAT THEY CAN MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HOW LITTLE DAWN FRENCH LOOKS OR SOUNDS LIKE BJORK OR ANDREA CORR. MEANWHILE, JENNIFER SAUNDERS SITS AROUND IN A TURBAN AND SIGHS ALOT.
IT'S A FUCKING DISGRACE.
WHAT SHOULD THE WORRY MACHINE WORRY ABOUT NEXT. LET HIM KNOW.
DEATH TO SHIT COMEDY!
July 08 The Worry Machine Gets Serious For A MomentFOR ONCE THE WORRY MACHINE IS TELLING US NOT TO WORRY.
PEACE. June 26 The Worry Machine and Air TravelTHE WORRY MACHINE RECENTLY SPENT SOME TIME AT HAMBURG AIRPORT PROTECTING THE KRAUTS FROM DANGEROUS PEOPLE OF ALL COLOURS (THE WORRY MACHNE IS NOT RACIST). IT IS A WELL KNOWN FACT THAT ANY REACTION TO THE AMERICAN FLAG THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE SALUTING IS THE REACTION OF A POTENTIAL TERRORIST. YOU KNOW THAT THAT IS TRUE. IF YOU WOULD LIKE THE WORRY MACHINE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING OF A SIMILAR NATURE ON YOUR BEHALF PLEASE SEND AN E-MAIL. PEACE OUT, RAGHEADS. June 14 The Worry Machine and The War on TerrorTODAY THE WORRY MACHINE IS JUST WORRIED. THE AEROPLANES CRUISING OUT OF A BRIGHT, COLD SEPTEMBER SKY. EASE HIS PAIN. SEND SUGGESTIONS. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE. June 01 The Worry Machine and BalanceTODAY THE WORRY MACHINE IS WORRIED THAT PEOPLE JUST DO NOT TAKE ENOUGH CARE THESE DAYS. AS SIMPLE AS THAT. YOUNG PEOPLE CAN BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE - LOOK AT THEM, CHILLIN' WIT' THEIR HOMEBOYS AT ANCIENT MONUMENTS WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD FOR WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN AND WHAT COULD SO EASILY GO WRONG. THE BARREL HAS BEEN SCRAPED - SEND YOUR WORRIES TO jimbarleycorn@btinternet.com <SIGH> (IF YOU KNOW WHY, YOU KNOW WHY) May 22 The Worry Machine and PerambulationTHE WORRY MACHINE KNOWS THAT ROAD SAFETY HAS BEEN AN ISSUE SINCE ROMAN TIMES - THIS IS PRIMARILY WHAT IS ON HIS MIND TODAY. QUEEN VICTORIA WAS WELL KNOWN FOR BEING EXTREMELY FLIGHTY AND FOR HAVING VERY LITTLE COMMON SENSE - THE WORRY MACHINE IS SEEN HERE PLAYING HIS OWN PART IN SAVING THE MONARCHY FROM A POTENTIAL DISASTER. IF HE HADN'T DONE SO, WE WOULD ALL BE GERMAN. SENDEN SIE IHR SICHT SORGT ZU jimbarleycorn@btinternet.com THANKS May 21 The Worry Machine and PediculosisTODAY THE WORRY MACHINE IS VISITING SCHOOLS IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND OF THE 1930S UNDOING ALL THE GOOD WORK THAT THE NIT NURSES HAVE DONE. NITS ARE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT? THEY ONLY LIKE CLEAN HAIR? PHFFFT! SCREW THAT SHIT - HE'S GOING TO MAKE THOSE URCHINS SQUIRM!!! KEEP THE IDEAS COMING - THERE ARE SO MANY WORRIES IN THE WORLD AND THE MACHINE NEEDS TO HEAR ABOUT THEM. jimbarleycorn@btinternet.com TICKETY BOO BINKY, CHAPS! May 20 The Worry Machine and ScandinaviaQUITE SIMPLY, THE WORRY MACHINE IS NOW PROTECTING DECORUM. NORWEGIANS ARE WELL KNOWN FOR HAVING NONE, SO NO WONDER HE IS WORRIED. AS EVER, SEND THOSE NIGGLING DOUBTS TO jimbarleycorn@btinternet.com HEILAN GOR! May 19 The Worry Machine and B-BoysTODAY THE WORRY MACHINE IS NOT WORRIED, BUT HE DOES NOT LIKE A TROUBLE FREE WORLD. HE HAS TRAVELLED BACK TO 1985 TO PLANT SEEDS OF DOUBT INTO THE MINDS OF THE PIONEERS OF A BRAVE NEW WORLD. AS EVER, IF YOU ARE WORRIED, LET THE MACHINE FRET FOR YOU. jimbarleycorn@btinternet.com. PEACE OUT, HOMIES.
May 18 The Worry Machine and OptometryTODAY THE WORRY MACHINE IS WORRIED ABOUT THE OPTICAL HEALTH OF A POPULAR VICTORIAN ACTRESS. AS EVER, IF THERE IS ANYONE YOU FEEL NEEDS A SWIFT WARNING FROM THE WORRY MACHINE ABOUT ANY MATTER OF GRAVE IMPORTANCE, PLEASE E-MAIL ME AT jimbarleycorn@btinternet.com THANKS |
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