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September 14 My Worry Machine And Other AnimalsTHE FAMOUS NATURALIST, GERALD DURRELL, SET UP THE DURRELL WILDLIFE CONSERVATION TRUST IN 1759, WITH THE EXPRESS AIM OF MAKING SURE THAT ALL ANIMALS, FROM CARIBOUS TO ECHIDNAS AND TAKING IN EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN, COULD LIVE IN AN ENVIRONMENT AS CLOSE TO THEIR NATURAL ONE AS POSSIBLE.
GORILLAS ARE, NATURALLY, PERMANENTLY SHOCKED AND WORRIED. THE WORRY MACHINE HAS BEEN A VOLUNTEER FOR THE TRUST FOR 150 YEARS NOW - SPENDING MANY AN HOUR IN THE GORILLA ENCLOSURE, MAKING THE LIVES OF THESE LARGE CREATURES THAT LITTLE BIT LESS COMFORTABLE.
ALL DONATIONS TO THE TRUST SHOULD BE SENT TO MARK EVANS C/O:
DO DO DO THE FUNKY GIBBON!
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August 29 The Worry Machine and Sports DayTHE WORRY MACHINE HAS GONE BACK TO MORE TIME TRAVELLING. HE HAS TRAVELLED BACK TO THE EARLY DAYS OF CRABSCARFE FC. THE REST IS PRETTY SELF EXPLANATORY - THESE WERE MUCH SIMPLER TIMES AND THE LITTLE TYKE PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHAT HE WAS DOING WAS WRONG.
LOOK OUT FOR THE WORRY MACHINE'S VISIT TO THE CRABSCARFE AND SHITHOUSE COLLIERY BAND, COMING SOON.
August 28 The Worry Machine and GlobetrottersTHAT ALAN WHICKER! HONESTLY - HE GETS EVERYWHERE, DOESN'T HE? YOU CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT RUNNING INTO HIM AND HIS TINY TINY WIFE. ONLY RECENTLY I WAS EATING A GIANT KEBAB WITH SOME LIKE MINDED PEOPLE AND I THOUGHT I SAW HIM. I WASN'T ALONE EITHER.
I WAS TOLD THAT HE SURVIVED THE TITANIC. HE WOULD WOULDN'T HE? I BET THERE'S NOT A CHANCE HE CAN REMEMBER WHERE HE WAS WHEN KENNEDY WAS SHOT. BUT YOU CAN BET YOUR BOOTS IT WASN'T THAT BOOK DEPOSITORY, THAT'S FOR SURE.
HERE IS IT AT A WEDDING RECENTLY. HE SEEMS TO PLAGUE THE WOMAN IN THE FOREGROUND OF THIS PICTURE, WHICH IS A LITTLE UNFAIR BECAUSE SHE'S VERY VERY LOVELY AND KIND HEARTED. HE SHOULD GO AND DO HIS SELF PROMOTION ELSEWHERE. BUT THE WORRY MACHINE IS WORRIED THAT HE WON'T.
August 27 The Worry Machine and CiderTHE WORRY MACHINE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO GOT VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT LOVELY, PINK AND REFRESHING CIDER KNOWN AS MAGNERS WHILST ON A RECENT VISIT TO JERSEY.
THE WORRY MACHINE LIKES TO RAIN ON PARADES SO HE DID SOME RESEARCH AND FOUND THAT MAGNERS IS, IN FACT, MERELY THE EUROPEAN BRAND NAME FOR AN ALTOGETHER MORE PROSAIC APPLE BASED ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE.
HE'S SUCH A LITTLE CUNT. E-MAIL HIM AND TELL HIM SO. THE ADDRESS HAS CHANGED
HIC HIC HIC HOORAY August 26 The Worry Machine and GoreyNOTHING
TO DO WITH THOSE GASHLEYCRUMB TINIES. TODAY'S WORRY MACHINE IS
ALL ABOUT LOVE. YES. I LOVE YOU, MARK. WATCH THE
BIRDIE!! July 15 The Worry Machine and The TV Licence FeeTHE WORRY MACHINE IS ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR GROSS ACTS OF INJUSTICE. THESE TWO WOMEN ARE ONE. THEY ARE PAID LARGELY THROUGH THE MONEY OF TV LICENCE PAYERS. FOR THAT, THEY JOKE ABOUT HOW FUNNY FAT PEOPLE ARE, HOW THEY ARE SOCIALLY INEPT OXBRIDGE PRICKS AND HOW "FUNNY" JANE ASHER IS.
IN ADDITION TO THIS, THEY PAY HUGE SUMS OF MONEY TO THE BBC'S MAKE UP DEPARTMENT SO THAT THEY CAN MAKE A JOKE ABOUT HOW LITTLE DAWN FRENCH LOOKS OR SOUNDS LIKE BJORK OR ANDREA CORR. MEANWHILE, JENNIFER SAUNDERS SITS AROUND IN A TURBAN AND SIGHS ALOT.
IT'S A FUCKING DISGRACE.
WHAT SHOULD THE WORRY MACHINE WORRY ABOUT NEXT. LET HIM KNOW.
DEATH TO SHIT COMEDY!
July 08 The Worry Machine Gets Serious For A MomentFOR ONCE THE WORRY MACHINE IS TELLING US NOT TO WORRY.
PEACE. |
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